Tomorrow is Yom Kippur. I have been considering this blog for about a week, but with tomorrow being Yom Kippur, it seems like a good day to start to really understand what I am doing.
I started back to synagogue because my daughters wanted to go. I went sparingly as a kid, and stopped going just after my Bar Mitzvah. So why, as a 33 year old adult am I finding so much comfort in the congregation? I don't think it is because I have friends in the shul. They make the kiddish enjoyable, but not the service, during which I generally focus on the prayers and the torah reading. I don't understand the language, but the melodies are familiar, and I know the words even if I don't understand them. I dread being asked to take an honor, because I am afraid that somebody will realize that I have no clue what I am doing. Yet, I am disappointed when my kids don't want to go, and I often urge them to reconsider if they say no.
It could be the rabbi. I like him, but I also realize that while I am not as happy when he isn't there, it isn't him (sorry Eric). It is how comfortable he is leading. The lay-led services have a different feel. Not necessarily a bad feeling, but they aren't quite as smooth. I rely on the rabbi to make sure I don't get lost. So, while it could be the rabbi, I don't believe it is him.
Tomorrow, I will take time off from work (a big deal for me), and I will go to synagogue. I will refrain from eating all day long and I will pray. I have been fasting for two years, and while I don't enjoy it, it is meaningful. I try to use Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur as a time of renewal. I try to be a better person after the holidays. It lasts as long as I can remember that I can be better than I am if I don't try. I think that is what Yom Kippur is supposed to be about. Reminding people that you have to try to be better.
After synagogue tomorrow, my family and I will come home and they will eat lunch. Abby (6) says she is going to skip lunch (she is the religious one). Ella (5) has gymnastics in the afternoon, so she will eat. Kelly (not saying) isn't jewish, so she won't fast. During the afternoon, we will spend time at home until Kelly, Abby, and Ella go out, and then I will meet them at the synagogue for the evening service. I know that I should take tomorrow afternoon as a time of reflection and rest, but I also know that I won't. I will try hard to avoid doing work, but I will probably do pottery or surf the web. I may even play a video game or two. I will read and spend time with my wife and kids as well.
This year, I actually apologized to people before Yom Kippur. Some people joke about "expecting" apologies, and I was told that a lot of atonement is a private thing that can be done internally. I don't think that is true. There is something important about actually acknowledging to somebody that you have done wrong and that you will work harder next time. It is a promise between two people: "I will work harder, but in return, I need your help to keep me honest." The apology is a part of the relationship between two people, and without it the relationship isn't given the respect and care that it needs.
I don't know that this journey will result in any answers, but I am hoping to understand where I come from and where I will eventually end up.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
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